You are alive

 

You are someone I confused for a soulmate. When all you ever was… just a bunch of life lessons.

 

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You know who I am. You looked me in my eyes. And lied straight to my face. That school game has not been the same since I left it. Better know I know my worth. I’ve been queening on your ass since I was a baby. Coming with your basic princess weak game to me won’t lead you anywhere. 

For each day passing by I remember more and more things about who you are, and a lot of other people who are involved. It’s a bit of a dazzle what people can do when they think you will never remember them. Old summertime friend. You know those don’t stick around.

 

I was (10 years) 12 years old. They had burned your hair. You showed me the scars on your body. Told me about your friends that got killed on the street and I saw some of it. Desperate for a way out of the hood and out of misery. They starved you. You cried to me. I felt your tears. At the same time you “tried” to take care of me. To be deep with me. You took care of me since I was a baby. Of all the people out there, you were the best.

Alcohol was a shortcut from pain. I understand. They put you in jail, as they always do. I missed you.

You asked for consent. You were shy and I invited you in. It was sweet. You cared. You didn’t want to do these things. I thought you were innocent. To them, it was just a movie and you were too good. They thought you loved me for real and didn’t trust you. So you had to make a withdraw from your love supply. Who lost love the most though? That says all I need to know about you as a business man.

When me an Fatima were born on the beach you got a purpose to fight. You loved her the same way you loved me until it stopped serving you. I was next on the list.

 

You thought I was crazy

All I cared about was being loved. I changed you into being down for freaky stuff. To be down into having sex instead of thinking about deep shit. That’s if you disregard that my dad created you! Made you write movie scripts. And get paid for role playing.

Slim and dad created me. Along with his friends of course. They put me in jail too. Kidnapped me. Put me in coffins several times. Had me in sex trafficking. Killed my friends. Dog trained me. Watered me down. I am sex groomed. 

But when a human being are drunk or high, all they have left are their values. Love was a big one for me.

How do you expect me to think about Thriving and business in a state like that? When I’m drugged?! Show me the person that talks deep stuff under the influence.

Btw, you lost your hair when you thought you had the right to shave my pubic hair. It’s that simple to me.

 

It hurt you

When you came to our house and saw what I was doing. Actually, I wasn’t doing it. I was just handling it. I never got anything out from it. No money. So it wasn’t my business. I was just a product. It bothered you that I didn’t stand up for myself. I had you, who else did I need.

I needed none of that if you ask me.

You took a stand against my dad. You showed him that you are good at violance.

Your business spread in Fittja. The bicycle tied to a tree in front of our house. That was you. The burning cars? That was you and your friends.

 

Cannibalism 

You have some explaining to do. Not to me, I know. I mean in court.

 

The real you

You realized that you are only a little boy without any power. Your rebellious streak went away. Your morals slowly adapted to evilness.

I’d say you became darker, but my nigga. You were chilling in the dark, playing in the dark… doing weird ass things in the dark. You had a dark side and no one will ever understand that side that I have seen. Since you were a kid.

Eating your sister’s fingers. Damn, eating her flesh raw. The kind of bullying she had to take is indescribable. She was useless to you too, when she didn’t bring in any money. She tried to talk deep stuff with you. That’s when you turned and flipped on her. Since when did you have the power to do what you want with people’s lives? Laughing? Sex grooming my twin with my dad. You never changed.

Tell me about animal abuse. Because what’s the difference? Dude, I have done shit myself. I have been on the dark side myself. But I never had a hidden agenda. You were on top of her all night long fucking, wasn’t you? Damn you were a sheep back then too, though I saw you as a pattern breaker. But nope, time showed that you are only a basic bitch. Hating on your sister’s standards and dissing her. Her smart mind was dangerous.

What’s the difference between me and her? Have you seen Clockwork Orange? Let me enlighten you, that’s your childhood.

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Don’t wait

Together, we saw the years go by, me and you. You saw my feelings and tears because you cared. I’ll give you that. But you never do anything of pure love. Give yourself that. Damn, don’t be this confused. Don’t wait for your 4 years younger sister to tell you how things actually are out there. Annoying!

 

You blame others

You are confused between the meaning of having fun and happiness. You lost you. You lost you, Ali. The child you were had high standards. You fell back. Shitty people blacked your shine. Your sin in life is that you blame other people for your choices. You blame, others.

But I’m sure you would say that you love your mother because your answer is an auto-response. You are conditioned to think like that. Tradition sure is stronger than religion. And as far as I know about you, you have always cared what other people think of you. But you would not blame the right people. You probably have Stockholm-syndrome.

They took all your God given right’s away from you and gave you crooked views back. So why would you believe in God when he put you in this situation. This is what you are born to do. Right?

False, you are supposed to conquer yourself. That’s what we all are supposed to do.

 

Conquer yourself

I know you have in so many ways conquered your fears. Look at your social circle, your money, health, the technology you have, the round perky ass you’re proud of, the guns you own, the bitches you fuck. But what about the inner you. The one thirsty for self-understanding. The one you have drained in self-denial instead. Why are you fighting your intuition?

You know you loved your sister the “wrong” way. You know you hate my dad and this rape culture. You ain’t stupid. You had no choice, one could say. But every choice you made were your own.

You “cared” about my happiness? No, you are confused. You tried to fix me. Happiness is just being. Why did you put drugs in everything I ate and drank. In my toothpaste and shampoos too. They nearly killed me. How do drugs help? I couldn’t even talk straight. I was late to everything. I had constant headaches. My sight diminished. And you wonder how you can help. How you can transform me into your dream girl. Mannen, I lived in North Korea. It ain’t fun. I talked to no one because no one cared. Except for God.

I had dreams to make it big too. I had my dreams about hustling Hollywood. Be a dope role model for girls and women fighting my kind of battles. But you never really saw my scars. You saw what you wanted to see. Everything that glitters ain’t gold.

Thanks for the support ass hole. Thanks for counting me out!

 

Fear of death

I understand the fear you were born with. The fear for your life. I understand you have a lot of pain. And that’s why you try to read people. To be a step ahead. You try to understand their weakness and what makes them feel alive. You picked that job yourself. But that’s not your job.

It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine. So when you see someone dealing with life the best they can, don’t get fucking jealous. Don’t trip on them. Don’t stand in their way. Don’t approach them if you are unable to add value. If you come with ego and your own fears.

My dad is your producer. But let’s be real for a minute here. Without me, you wouldn’t be shit. All your training was at my expense.

My dad was all in your business. He had you! He ass-raped you. You hated the things he did but adapted fast to his ideology. You learned to love what you hate and hate what you love. Your hate has no boundaries. You befriend everyone, even your enemies. All you know is war. What does that mean? It means you have a war inside you.

You cried a lot as a child. You were in a lot of pain for real. They put you through hell, I can’t lie. But take this one from me, you only cried when you wanted to guilt trip, someone. You never cried from your heart to soften it.

 

Incest

Imma call it as it is. Incest, and planning on having kids with me. No, thanks. That’s why you broke up with me. To be clear here for everyone: my subconscious. You broke up with my subconscious. I was never conscious. You always drugged me.

You are not trying to be my man, you are just doing your thing. I get that. However, you didn’t understand that I was married to something else already. I have had the same wars you have, inside me. But to you, I was just a walking piece of flesh. To you, I had no mind of my own and no soul. I was just a means to get by. For you to get popular, famous and rich. I understand these things got you. Those are the things you have married.

You left me traumatized. That says all I need to know about you. You stomping on my lungs and strangling me. Dream hubby. Wounds stay.

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Kindergarten

How is that a business? Why are you messing with my baby sister? Don’t worry, I got you! 😉 I know what you have been doing there.

 

My school

I had ambitions. You weren’t one of them. You mad? Stay mad. I didn’t notice your entitlement. I noticed everything else. (Fittja skolan, Didaktus Norrmalm)

 

My sisters

Fucking with my sisters is a no-no. 😉

 

Your happiness

Do you even read people or are you just a confused judgmental person. Lose that bitch!

Is your passion other people’s happiness? Studying what other people seem to like and be happy about. It might make them happy for real. But it’s not yours. You just use it as a facade. It makes me happy to know that you will never be happy.

You are a quitter. You let go of real love. Off real values. Off high life quality standards. There is no such thing as a life that’s better than yours. There is no use in projecting a fake image. Comparing yourself to me? You will never make it as me.

What you read might sound foreign to you, as it did to me a couple of years ago. Yeah, I grew up with the same narcissists you did, so I know. Narcissists like you. No, actually your mom is too crazy for me. I thank God I didn’t grow up with her.

 

You are not a fucking victim

They threatened me to death. I saw people being killed. I had to do the killing myself sometimes. I never enjoyed it. I checked my ego after those things happened constantly. Demons only invite more demons. I guess I just believe in something called God.

Don’t trip. I understand your pain. Success was your only option. You came a long way, but you went the wrong way. What will your millions do for you? It’s just a facade and you know it. Pussy is your passion. I feel I owe you the care you put into me back though. That’s the last thing I will ever be owing you.

But you, you feel the world owe’s you something.

 

Cash flow

Cash flow, a state of being in the being. You look like a shadow of what you once was. Don’t you miss the days when we were just little babies? Your life was hell, I know that. But was there nothing good about it? What are you grateful for? Entitlement and owning credit all the time… is there any harmony flow in it.

You gave me your flow and I got mentally ill. Marijuana doesn’t fucking help. I had my PTSD way before you took over my school.

Your ‘being’ is cowardliness. Even though you have money it will never be enough. Your being is always about becoming. Shit, it feels like I was there just yesterday myself. In this state of mental illness and unawareness of the finest things in life. Of being in the now.

What’s the difference between me and you? Intuition.

 

Honest sex

I know you wanted to have honest sex as well. But would it really have been honest? Would you have told me that you were my brother? As I said before, I was married to other goals in life. I wasn’t aware that people were using me this way. Sex was so foreign to me.

My life: It’s living a double life everyone knows about except the one living it. Like you in a way.

You took me out on dates, as you did when we were kids. You were married to my body only as you were when we were babies. I did not shave my beard, actually, I like my pubic hair so why would I.

I did not shave my beard, actually, I like my pubic hair so why would I.

Car sex, parking lot sex, basement sex, toilet sex, classroom sex, hospital sex, beach sex and parking lot murder are included in our dates. So much more dates but who cares.

Don’t be ashamed of your obsessions, of your DNA. It’s in our DNA to hustle hard. Me and you have that in common. That’s the only reason you are obsessed with me.

(Smoking got you high. Damn, you should have asked me what I believe about smoking. It’s not a gentleman trait to me. Neither is having a gun, it’s a female trait to me. 😉 )

You chase the hoe. (aka me.) I don’t chase hoes. Admit it, my dad stole your dream girl from you. He broke your dreams. (On your behalf because you are confused, that’s called: learned helplessness. It’s a choice.)

 

Bonniers’ son

Did you really kill a guy for the simple reason that he was smiling at me? His smile brightened my day. I like it when strangers smile at me. And no one had done that to me in a long way.

How low can you stoop? How low are your morals? How high is your insecurity? How greedy is your cash flow? How broken is your view on life? How narrow is your perspective? How broad are your lies? How fun is your happiness? How much jealousy did you free yourself from? How many hearts didn’t you break for fun? How far apart are your fun and misery from each other? How do you contain your fakeness!

How you needed my blackness to feel your lightness. You are numb. Cry, shed a tear. Break the facade. You can trash talk Donald Trump all you want, but to me you are him. You don’t have your feet on the ground. You threw all your responsibilities, on your shoulders, away. Having kids here and there. Just so you know, because you are hella confused. It has always been you vs. you. You go Mario!

 

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(You sure are a good drug plumber. I see you.)

Even if I’m not your “sister”. Am I not your sister in humanity?

What won’t you do for money though? 

Love never hurts.

Fear never heals.

 

When you guys killed him, it was like you took something away from me. I didn’t even know him. That was the first and last time I saw him. I didn’t give a fuck about that guy, but now I will.

For you, it’s not enough that you reach success. Others must fail.

 

My dream guy

Do you want to know what my dream guy looks like? A tall guy with long blond hair and blue eyes. Even if he has to color his hair.

 

“Fake it till you make it”, is not your thing. Your thing is “make it, and then fake it”.

Mine is “faith it till you make it”.

 

Congratulations bitch! You have won a spot over here. Yeah, I have a lot to say about you. Don’t be mad at me. Who did this? You did this!

I’m just here, to tell the truth. Fly wherever you want. Take a plane over here or whatever. You won’t stop shit. Most people you know are a Facebook away from me. 😉

 

Thanks for reading through!

 

 

 


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