I will start by saying: these posts about my childhood trauma I’m telling you guys; are a heavy topic. Sensitive people and minors are advice to not read this. The content contains rape, violence, mental abuse, physical abuse, and death. Sociopaths, psychopaths and a lot of narcissism.
I write it here to sort out my flashbacks and memories.
But also, to leave something for investigation, in case something bad happens to me. I have survived a lot and it would be a shame to get this far and not be able to tell my story, just in time.
This is in Sweden.
Thomas/Ali’s Tourettes Syndrome
I believe Ali had Tourette’s syndrome. Sometimes he would just snap and act out. He was very clever and knew that he was not supposed to do what he had just done.
Tourette syndrome is a neuropsychiatric disability that involves repeated the involuntary movement. A muscle (motor) tic with at least one sound tic. Tics are sounds/noises that one does with the involuntary muscle movements. The first tics usually comes around the age 6-7 years old.
People with Tourette syndrome can have challenges with concentration, impulsivity and motoric hyperactivity, that’s very similar to ADHD. Tourette syndrome usually also involves some sort of dysfunctional learning disability like dyslexia, but also depression, anxiety, and OCD. Some form of autism spectra is also common.
“If kids don’t learn the way we teach them, maybe we should teach the way they learn.”
I had a brother and his name was Ali. He believed in this quote. He helped me through a lot. When people thought I was useless and tried to sex groom me their way he showed them a better way. Failing could have cost me my life. He helped me through it.)
Ali’s way of handling Tourette syndrome
When we were in kindergarten he used to go away, a bit away from the rest of us when he felt like he was about to get his Tourette’s syndrome. It looked like he was fighting with something invisible and he screamed at us to stay away from him. He had to fight and scream. He held his head and fought so hard. Until there were tears in his eyes. He felt embarrassed afterward.
Our teacher saw that and she left him alone and let him scream out. Tourette syndrome is hard on its own. How about handling Tourette syndrome without any parental support. On top of that being a rape victim with no needs or rights of your own.
Ali was always on edge and on the run from people. People were chasing him here and there. People who acted like the civil police in the neighborhood. Grown ups that were jealous of him and would just blame him for everything that went wrong.
Ali didn’t talk about his challenges and the hardships he dealt with on his on to anyone. he kept everything inside. It wasn’t that he was too proud. He just felt responsible for acting sensibly and to be a role model to me and his friends. I’d say he was born a natural leader. He wanted to do things in an excellent manner. But when he gets triggered, it’s like something takes over his brain and he can’t help it. I always knew he loved me, even when I didn’t always understand him.
Though I didn’t always understand him I understood that he wasn’t himself because he was ill. He needed som caring. Sometimes he scared me and I was really worried he would hurt himself or others.
Tourette syndrome is not to be used with heavy medication or drugs. Uneducated people may think this syndrome should be treated with exorcism or drugs.
Some things that calmed Ali
My brother used to blow out air and spit. He used to scream and tell everyone to back off. To move out of his way! He used to be in the corner by himself and talk to the voices in his head. I guess it’s genetic. I have some of that but it’s not as severe. He could be very interested in something and have intense feelings. But it’s as if he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, so they sink down to numbness. That’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that people can’t handle on their own. He could say stuff like “I miss you!”, “I love you!” and “I’ll kill you!” following “But I don’t care…”
He could be very interested in something and have intense feelings. But it’s as if he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, so they sink down to numbness. That’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that people can’t handle on their own. He could say stuff like “I miss you!”, “I love you!” and “I’ll kill you!” following “But I don’t care…”.
He was bored and wanted to be entertained or do the entertaining with his friends. Didn’t matter what kind of entertaining. His social skills were great. He loved his friends genuinely. He avoided people that were no good for him to any cost. For instance, he avoided his own mom for her abusive acts. Other kids could have become co-dependent which is even more dangerous. My twin sister got co-dependent and took all the blame they gave her.
He was into God. Because God had rules and made some sense. He had a lot of questions about life and existence. Why are we here? Why do we suffer? How do we get free from people and hurt?
He could be very calm and breezy one moment and the next get triggered so fast, and his tics would start.
It was mostly some specific people that made him tic. Our grandpa was one. My twin sister angered him. She would get on his nerves but not really trigger him. (He didn’t like seeing her in the “club”.) His own dad.
His own mom made him feel sick to his stomach and he would puke when she talked to him. I’m not sure it was because of his tics. I think it’s because she gave him medicine on an empty stomach. The kid barely ate. The fact that, he was disgusted with the way they lied and demanded things from him they couldn’t do themselves.
Music and dancing made him let loose any feel free. He loved listening and singing himself. We would listen to Micheal Jackson. He told our mom that he would one day make a record and name it after her. This kid was a genius, he had his own radio and before you knew it he knew how to press the record button and sing his own songs.
He tried to write letters to my dad when my dad was away. He missed my dad. The thing me and him had in common was that we had no one to look up to. (Actually, I kinda looked up to him.) He only knew what he didn’t want to become I guess. He liked some of my dad’s traits. Like being open for experiments and trying new things.
We liked the rain. We could sit together and do nothing but listen to the rain and watch it pour down. It was a feeling of relief. And then a rainbow would show.
We hugged and kissed and did more than that. Living in survival mood is draining. Some people that calmed him was me. He loved me very much. Too much some would say. I say he loved me with everything he knew and had to offer. He was calmer when he was with me. And I was calmer as well, he was my father figure that took care of me for real. Kissing helped us relax. He used to kiss my lips. But even I couldn’t help when he got triggered. I believe that somethings just need to happen. Tourette syndrome is the way these people get a relief.
And I was calmer as well. Basically, he was my father figure that took care of me for real. Kissing helped us relax. He used to kiss my lips. But even I couldn’t help when he got triggered. I believe that somethings just need to happen. Tourette syndrome is the way these people get a relief.
Sometimes he would just take charge and do what he wanted to do. Keeping his control as much as possible. That annoyed a lot of people that disregarded him. People that disregarded kids in general. People that couldn’t stand kids with strong personalities. The people he couldn’t stand, he tried to stay away from. Even his own mom. He was on the run and had so many enemies for a 6-year-old. That just shows how many people found him a threat.
The people Ali couldn’t stand, he tried to stay away from. Even his own mom. He was on the run and had too many enemies for a 6-year-old. That just shows how many people found him to be a threat.
He felt happy when he found friends in his head. He felt ugly but that was ok because so were most people. He felt happy when he found God.
Fucking raw, without condom. Does kid condoms exist? Well, my grandpa had expectations but Ali was happy and proud to disappoint him.
His mom always told him how evil his dad was and that his dad hated him. As the days went by he realised more and more that she was the crazy one. She used to drug him and make him drink champagne. Under the influence, he would act out and when she angered him he got triggered and said stuff like “I will kill you!”. His mom all shocked by his behavior started plotting how to kill him first.
Females, they anger him. We are nothing but girls.
All the time he put in into this craft. He saw how others were making bucks and he was just stuck in a kid’s body with a grown up mind.
Me and my twin. We fucking confused him and wasted his love supply.
He felt lonely, no one understood him. He felt ashamed of himself and avoided mirrors like the plague. He saw the monster in there. He felt excited when he was about to meet someone he had waited for. Because he had met so many disappointments, so he turned down his hopes as quickly as they got up.
He was basically repressing his own hype. He didn’t want to take any “medication” but was forced too. It would make him act uncontrollably. They force fed him it. At the same time, when he was drugged they took advantage of him and raped him. He Blamed himself for taking those pills, they would give him on empty stomach. He tried to remember not to take any of that shit. But he “forgot”.
This baby boy didn’t get to sleep well at nights. That is so crucial for a healthy brain development. Ali had nightmares. He had understandable fears and paranoia. My grandpa used to be under our bed and scare the hell out of us. Ali would wake up screaming in the middle of the night even when nothing was going on. This boy needed a hugging and comforting but he got none.
It triggered him when people didn’t follow the rules they had set up. Any kind of rules. Religious, promises etc. Or when people were hypocrites and lied to him. Ali was a deep thinker and didn’t want to just be around anyone who didn’t understand him; or who was determined to misunderstanding him like my grandpa.
Sometimes I made it worse as well. When he asked me where I had slept. Why I didn’t sleep in his bed. He was always worried. He didn’t like those men that wouldn’t leave neither me nor him alone. So he wanted us to stay together. He got triggered when that didn’t happen and he would hit me.
People disgusted him, and some to the point that he had to throw up. My grandpa, his mom, and Ali’s own friend. Everyone thought he was sick and contagious. Well, he might have been, but why was it just around these people?
I might have triggered Tourette syndrome in him as well. Well, he used to finger me and have sex with me. There is this one time I thought he was going touch me. The grown-ups had just sewn my genital and it hurt like hell. So him touching me and being a fuck boy was not the time at all. He said he just tried to reach toilet paper, wet it and clean something and he wasn’t going to touch me.
But I didn’t trust his hysteric moves. Because sometimes Ali was himself and sensible. Other times he was under the influence. Ain’t nobody got time to explain anything when your genitals hurt. I screamed out and our mom hit his head so badly. He had to get stitches in his head.
Thank you for reading through!