I will start by saying: these bloggs about my childhood trauma I’m telling you guys; is a heavy topic. Sensitive people and minors are advice to not read this. The content contains rape, voilence, mental/physical abuse and death. Pedophiles, molesters and alot of narcissim.
I write here to sort out my flachbacks and memories. But also, to leave something for investigation, in case something bad happens to me. I have survived alot and it would be a shame to get this far and not be able to tell my story, just in time.
Yesterday I got flashbacks about a little boy that stood up for me like a hurricane against the family member that were raping me on a kitchen table. He, Ali, was the life of the party, a self going, disciplined little lad. Protective and outspoken fast talker. He used to take care of me and we loved each other very much. He was blond and handsome.
I used to crave his eyes on me and when he was too busy playing I crawled up to him and gave him my biggest smile when he finally saw me. I was happy to have him in this mad world. But as all kids do, he had picked up the adults bad habits.
But never the less, I slept soundly in his bed as a baby. He carried me in his arms. Let me put my head on his shoulder to fall asleep. He fed me. He was but a little boy but gentle as if he knew exactly what I felt. Well, the short life that he lived he went through the exact same bullshit as I did growing up there.
My father’s dad was in our house. My dad was suicidal and did the craziest shit to feel alive. But it was mostly my grandparent, mom, Ali and me in the house. When our grandparent entered the house it was as if the devil had entered, therefor I will call him the devil.
First he had all of his attention on my brother and I felt left out. Ali hated him very much and avoided him. The devil used to rape him in the car, along with my dad and his friends. They did the same to me, and Ali told me to be strong and to not cry.
My brother was very tired but he did as they told him. He basically was my mother’s sex slave. She used to hit him very much and he was always in her room. We barely saw each other, that’s why it was heaven when we did. From time to time I saw him carrying two big alcohol bottles into her room. And I also saw the grown ups give him pills so he wasn’t always himself.
But I loved and missed him very much. Even though he did some of the things that the grown ups had done to me, I took it. At least he loved me. He started acting out and expressing his rage. Sometimes in the middle of the night he woke me up and did those bad things. When he hit me it felt really hard. He wanted me to wake him up before I left. No one wants to wake up next to a rapist.
He didn’t get much sleep himself. I used to wake up to him being raped at night by my dad and the devil. If they ever took us out he raped him. We were both scared for our lives but we had each other and that was such a comfort for the both of us.
They used to force us to stay up all night. I think my brother’s spirit was broken. He respected the elders, and did as they told him and he had learned some of the things they did as well. Ali was at his edge and about to explode.
And that’s exactly what he did when they were raping me on the kitchen table. He was very angry and really hated the devil and told him not to touch me. The devil could have his butt instead. The devil told him, boys are supposed to be with the women, and girls are supposed to be with men. Ali taught me somethings there; that I could stand up for myself and that they were hypocrites. They told him to hurry up and get back into my mother but he totally refused.
That’s when the devil snatched him. He was there in front of me one second and the next he was gone.
My mom had no respect from the other men. The only one that was somewhat kind to her was the devil. So when the devil came along she gained some power and did anything to get accepted by him. She had sex with the devil. She dressed me up for him. He had basically married her and me, somehow.. And now the devil had shifted his focus from my brother to me. I guess my mom felt that she couldn’t trust Ali anymore. The devil that had been in the military wanted to get rid of him as well. Ali was now only in the way. And so they started the alienation between me and my brother. Telling me he was a nasty boy.
They used to talk in front of me about him. I understood but I wasn’t talking, back then. Oh, by the way.. If my dad ever took my big brother out, Ali came back turmoiled. Our parents used to sell us to others as well. And at times there used to be a bunch of kids in our household.
So the devil did different pranks and blamed my brother, whom was only 2 years young. The devil put plastic wraps on the toilet seat. He shaked the soda bottles. And some other shit I don’t remember but I remember the devil being very manipulative. Acting one way in front of Ali, trying to gain his trust. Next making Ali look bad. But I believe my mother wanted to believe the devil more than anything.
Ali had picked up some of the bad habits as I mentioned. And sometimes he would abuse me way too much. This time I saw my mom sneaking on us and I cried. Even though I knew she meant him no good, I was on her side now to protect myself. Jepp, I had a big brother that was 2 years young and my mom took his life.
I’m not so good at writing my memories down. All I remember is his scream and her stepping out of the bathtub drained in blood. Influenced by the devils military ways. They had planned this together.
I hate my family but taking someone’s life is just impossible to put into normal words for me. I have a lot of mixed feelings from that moment. Since it was me and my mother against the world. I can’t believe I let my brother down like that.
He saved my life a lot of times. At the beach when the waves almost took me away. At the van where they were talking about my skin color and whether to get rid of me or not. Simply by hugging me and letting me sleep on his shoulder. It’s just an ungrateful world we live in.
I’m proud of him and he was loyal to a fault. Ali lived, he existed. I remember this even though I had diapers on back then. This text won’t do the pain he went through any justice. All he wanted was to have me for himself and protect me. Sweet sweet bro. I was unwanted, he made me feel wanted and cared for. He showed me their hypocrisy.
Thank you for reading through!