I will start by saying: these bloggs about my childhood trauma I’m telling you guys; is a heavy topic. Sensitive people and minors are advice to not read this. The content contains rape, violence, mental/physical abuse and death. Pedophiles, molesters and alot of narcissim.
I write here to sort out my flachbacks and memories. But also, to leave something for investigation, in case something bad happens to me. I have survived alot and it would be a shame to get this far and not be able to tell my story, just in time.
There comes a time when every child needs to stop using diapers. For rapers, this is even more crucial. They don’t want to let anyone else have a reason to check on your butt for obvious reasons.
I, on the other hand, had other intentions and reasons to keep my diaper on. Not that I understood their strategy. It’s just that when I went to the bathroom to sit on the potty it didn’t end there. They raped me after every toilet visit.
I used to bleed and they had to sew me when my anal got torn apart. They didn’t want to leave any evidence behind. Hence the cloth diaper.
When they took my diaper off, I pooped anywhere and everywhere just to not have to go into the bathroom. Back then, all ofparent’sents friends were rapists and they saw it as their responsibilty to make me poop in the potty. I knew how to do it, I just didn’t want to.
As punishment, they hit me with the belt and made me eat my own poop. I used to cry and hide away. I needed space alone as the introvert I am. But I had no space of my own.
In my household lived two men, my father and his friend, and my mother. Our neighbours were into raping children as well. All their friends used to visit and my parents sold me to them. My diaper was their cover up when I bleed.
One of them even started crying and told me to look at what I had done to him. He told me he was in so much pain. I can’t explain my pain, shame and anger back then. I thought to myself; if you wouldn’t had put a duct tap on my mouth you would have heared me cry and known I was in pain first! I used to be a very aggressive child and had a filthy mouth. Even though I was in diapers I could run and climb like no one else I knew. But eventually, they caught me and made sure I knew it was all my fault.
Many times, the pain was so sever I thought I wouldn’t survive it through. Some of them didn’t even use lub, like this crying man. But that didn’t stop them for raping me everyday for as long as they stayed there.
The Crying man stayed for a week, he and some more friends because my mom used to get out of the house for weeks. These men were the nicest men, you wouldn’t suspect them in anyway. They came with Pizza.
But when they caught me and I was stuck with them in a room. That’s when they trun into wolves. They told me I had no value and that I would be killed and no one would miss me. I had no reason doubting him. That’s what my parents told me as well.
I used to look at the sun-blinders and see the sunlight light up all the dust dancing in the room. I know the Crying man stayed that long because his friends left but he stayed. They came back a couple days later and left again, but he stayed. He went fast and hard without any lub. Crying so that even my dad had to give him a lub to heal his dick. Or so I understood it back then.
My dad even left me in their house and left me. He threatened me. He would beat my ass if he saw tears in my eyes. He would beat my ass if I talked back. He would beat my ass if I jumped on the couch. He would beat my ass if I told my father anything. I lived in fear.
So they smoked marijuan and drank alcohol and had me as a supply ready for their needs. I had no needs of my own.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths as well. These men used to say so much shit to me. That’s how I got a filthy mouth to begin with. As we say in Sweden, they don’t stand their own medicin.
So do you keep or take the diaper off. It ended with my mom beating me to not poop everywhere.
Around this time alot of sick things happened. And this is where my flashback started. I was in a dark room. The sun outside and I had diapers on. (The falshback story will be in another post.)
Thank you for reading through!