Ok, so I will start blogging now. For real. It’s been a while and I’m really bubbly. I’ve got alot on my chest since March 13th. That’s the night I started getting flashbacks from trumatic childhood memories.
Yeah, it’s a heavy topic. Sensitive people and kids are advised to not read this. There is rape, abuse and voilance in this post. I probably could do different bloggs. One for my art and one where I just spill everything out. But for now I will just have one, so bare with me until I figure this thing out.
The way I have been dealing with this is by being humoristic and taking myself lightly. You will notice my weird sense of humor but I know that is what is saving me. I need to keep my self sane, so here I go spilling the beans. It’s kinda heavy keeping this all in and I dont want to end up being apathetic. This wont be in any chronological order yet, cuz that’s one of the things I hope I will work out by letting the truth hit the air (internet).
So, damn.. yesterday I was thinking about one of the men that raped me as a kid (toddler). And that is when it hit me that he has named all of his three daughters after different rivers in the Paradise. Now you need to understand that when your dad rapes you, you dont really understand that that is wrong. But damn did this man had a pen and a papper, and a mind of his own. That kind of persistent agenda is mind blowing. It’s intresting.. how he attached this whole thing up to a religion. That has been taking very much shit lately. Since 2001, and by now you know what I mean. The thing is, I find my religion one of the most peaceful ones but I couldn’t really connect with others in it. Now I understand why, they used religion to create a sect. A sick sect. Like most sects are anyway.
This man, or teenager, he is over 50 now.. but still. Happened to be the leader of this sect. He used to take pictures of me and his own daugther. While he raped us. My mom put me in his house cuz my dad couldn’t “act” right. So, I was there as a baby and I was abused every day. I even used to run away without any clothes on down the street. But who would suspect a baby running away, naked, from an adult as something crazy.
He used to beat me and do crazy stuff and no one could suspect him. I am not talking about my parents. They knew, cuz they are a part of this sect. It’s just that my dad got suicidal and that’s just.. tricky. God wont forgive that. Silly nigga. So he had to go to court and this teenager happend to be the Judge as well. Surprise surprise.
We are from North Africa, Tunisia. This whole sect is rather diverse but I’ll start with the nearst and “dearest”. Damn, was this man racist. He called me the “black one” and the devil. I guess he didn’t like running after me and putting an effort into catching his bait. I’m supposed to obey the leader. If I didn’t, he put me in a basket with blankets and locked me in a closet. He locked me in different rooms and spaces, like bureaus and chests, cars.. you name it. He used to drink and smoke marijuan, and give us kids.
He and his friends used to “play” with us. Hide themselves under beds, hid in closets.. let us run loose in the forest. I wouldn’t even take naps beacuse I would end up waking up with him next to me. Raping me or about to. He also used to put me in a baggage and take me out with him to the woods. I would wake up finding myself surround by many men enjoying themselves close to a cozy fire. Aww. They would talk about the White man and the lack of fairness there off. Now mind you, I was black in their eyes. So.. yeah, they were the white men.
They were a bunch of workless lads, tired of being poor and sitting on their bum asses. So they had to whop some ass. Alot of times I thought I wouldn’t survive the abuse. He demanded of me to come to him by my own will. I would cry and say I miss my dad and he used to tell me he is dead and I would stay with him forever. His own daughter had the upper hand even though she got raped as well. They would pass us around between them. Hit and rape us and call us nasty things. So these men used to stay up all night until sunrise.. they ate, prayed together and then parted. I had to get into the suitcase by myself, but you know by now that that ain’t happening. So he smacked the shit out of me when he cought me. Until I learned.
This teenager, needs a name by the way, because there are alot of misbehaving teenagers out there. Let’s call him MKD. At first me and his daughter were like friends, we had each others backs. But then she started getting jealous, so she and her mom called me “kahla” which means the black one in tunisian. MKD used to put us in a round fence and we used to climb on eachothers shoulders to get out of there. Because we knew he and his friends were preparing us, for their rape session, so they don’t have to run after us.
But that was before they raised her to be rasist and hurt me. So I lived in that household, scared of giving out a noise, trying to obey the rules. Even though I did my best trying to obey the rules I would be the one they blamed for everything they deemed bad. I must admit I had a filthy mouth and was out spoken. I could say rather harsh and heartless things, rightfully so if you ask this grown up, me now.
He put me out in so many ways. Let me count them for you:
1. Pills.. I woke up in different places and not being able to think stright. Wake up to him beating me with sticks.
2. I would faint of all the rape and sadistic abuse.
3. Faint when he was sewing my butt up without pain killers.
4. He would put me out by having me and his daughter fight with eachother in a car ful of marijuan smoke. He would rape the winner and the loser. He just wanted to watch a catfight. Good thing he gave his daughter a helmet and a stick as a weapon. Sometimes I flipped her on her head and he would scold me and then beat me. We were barely 1 year old. He would put us in his cold car. I’m not even sure it was his, now. It was broken and he used to have alot of broken cars.. hmm. I remember the red Volvo one, an empty mini buss and a grey/silver car that looked like the red Volvo.
5. He would tie me to a rope and lock me out outside the apartment with the rope inside the house. I couldn’t run away I thought until I one day took the elevator and the thine rope snapped. I meet him downstairs on my way to run away. He held groceries in his arms and dropped all of the eggs on the floor. Somehow that made him abit human.. cuz he expected me to help him clean up. He caught me down the street. From that day on he created more advanced traps so I wouldnt dare to pull the rope. (This had deadly consequences for the neighbours across. – an other post)
Anyway, I used to think my family was the only crazy one. But to be honest I had no idea how crazy my mom really was. She was fed up with my dad because: she got no money out of him. So she decided to take him to court. Not as normal people would do. But behind his back.
I missed my dad, and I used to run away to the place we used to live at in Skärholmen, in Stockholm. My family lived in Uppsala, I understood that later. MKD and my mom planed to let me stay in his house forever. I couldn’t understand that my mom had two faces. It was really confusing how one minute she was trying to get me back and let me talk to my dad. And the next minute she called again and trash talk about my dad. I couldn’t understand that she was the same person and choose to believe the one I wanted to believe. Which was: my parents wanted me back but MKD is keeping me from seeing them. My dad used to send presents and I wasn’t allowed to open them and MKD took them back. MKD threatende me so I wouldn’t even dare to talk to my dad on the phone. When he finally came to take me back I pretended I didn’t want to go with him.
On MKD’s behalf; I mean, who would give their supply back anyway. That’s how much they trusted their leader. My dad did take him with a grain of salt after all, which was very provoking to MKD. So MKD and my mom planned how they would catch my dad. Truth be told, MKD was too much of a racist and he wanted my dad to bow down to him. And my mom agreed cuz she is white and wanted money. (You need to understand how my parents got married – that will be a post of it’s own too.)
So they had a meeting in an underground mosque. My mom used to cry and complain about my dad behind his back and infront of him she would be on his side. She did this one trick with me where she would give my brother alot of chocolate in front of me and not give me any. Then she gave me a mandarin in front of the lovely gathering and guess what. I would turn out to be the bad guy beacuse I wouldn’t share my mandarin. I believe in karma since being a baby it turns out. Which inspired MKD to beat the devil out of me by raping me. He would beat my fingers and hands until I fainted. It had to be 500 beats on the hands – MKDs doom. And even though I did faint. He stopped right where I fainted and when I woke up he beat me again continuing to count. I couldn’t even count back then but he said five and that’s not much.. but this shit would never end. It ended with him beating me everywhere and me rolling on the ground. Him raping me several times, sucking his dick and other mens as well. So I was in this prision and he tried to teach me that I have to listen to him. And my mom could not understand why I wouldn’t willfully let myself be raped. Why I had to fight and run. She ate my mandarin as well.
The parts that I thought would kill me the most was the emotional abuse. They talked about how they would kill my dad and how they only needed white people around. No brown people allowed, they are a different breed and think differently. They told me I would never see him. And mind you, I was terrified of my own mom. I used to refer to her as the witch. Lol, I’m the real witch now. But I didn’t want to end up with her alone by any means. She is crazy and evil, and too much of a burden even for a child because she acts like a child and expects kids to take care of her.
When they caught my dad and tied us both up, she reviled her true face. She stood up and beat me so hard until I fainted. My dad didn’t trust any of them so it toke awhile until he stepped down into the underground mosqe. If I remember right, they used me as a bait. And I did anything to get out of that prision. When he did, a bunch of men put him in “jail” – a huge cage. They undressed him and me. MKD, ready with his belt raped me and my dad. My dad screamed like a pig.
I remember thinking to myslef: now you know how it feels to be raped, I will never forget this pain and now I have something to compare my pain with. That’s also when I got a few insights. (- Another post for sure 😉 ) I need to get independent as soon as possible.
The only reason my mom kept me alive is because of child support.. but she didn’t want to take care of me and she didn’t like MKD’s wife. My mom tried to drop me of where there were alot of people to get rid of me. I don’t even remember how they brought me back. Ultimatly, no one liked me and I was surround by killers and rapist, huge narcissists that know exactly how to manipulate kids into thinking everything they are doing or not doing is their own fault.
Damn, I hope they find those pictures soon cuz there is this one kid who put her middle fingers up in them. Everyone was doing signs so I just wanted to do something original. He nearly broke my fingers of all the beating. As if I knew. Let me tell you, those pictures are the most inoffensive ones and I think he should hold them dare to himself. As a proof of the kind of wicked/genius toddler I was. Damn, how I envy my survival skills back then.
If they tought me something, it is that there is a God out there that hears prayers. I used to look at the moon and stars thinking that was God. That’s all I had, and tomorrow gave me confidence because I was a survivor and got stronger day for day fighting through this mental mess they tried to put on me. I believe in me and in having fun. My name is Amina, and amen to this.